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September 20th, 2004
05:00 pm
I am really regretting saying something to the effect of:
"Well, at least there's not much else that can go wrong in my life"
How clichéd was the result...
Some time next week, there's an invasion scheduled... A horde of people from my father's side of the family are coming down to "talk with" my mother.
In other words, they're going to pick on her.
That's why I'm taking a half-day at work, and going with her to lay down the law (woah! Flashbacks of Judge Quiby! "I am the law!").
I should be diplomatic, but I really, really, really want to just kick them so hard they'll hear the sonic boom in Bhutan.
So, that'll be fun.
In other news, our cat, Smokie, has had to have a leg amputated.
I'm actually really quite upset about it, partly since I'm the one who found where she was hiding, by following the bloody footprints around the house. Let me tell you that that's not a good way to spend a Saturday night...
I ant to be bitter about things, but I'm too drained...
My life seems to be taking the express elevator to hell, and there's two people in the world who really care.
I am redefining "lonely" and stressed" on a daily basis.
That's all.
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August 24th, 2004
07:29 pm - I see'd the llamas!
I've been the biggest fan of llamas for the longest time, but it dawned on me that I've not actually seen one for even longer than I've been a fan of them (I saw one at Paignton Zoo once, although I don't remember very well, it could have been an Ocelot or something...).
But today there were llamas visiting Weymouth, and I got to have hugs... well... Nearly...
The llama I wanted to hug looked like it wanted to eat my head, so I gave it a little fuss and went back to the other one (the one that didn't stop eating for the entire time I was there (the grass must've been tastier than my head)).
I'm happy.
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July 2nd, 2004
04:58 pm - Septic Finger!
Ok, so I'm sat in the local internet café, at 90p per hour, which isn't so bad really. Plus it means I'm a little less absent that I planned, which is almost cool (maybe not for you, but it is for me).
Strange subject, I know, but there's a funny story behind it.
Ok, So it's not that funny, but it's worth a snigger, at least.
On the forementioned boat trip, I appear to have acquired a couple of new injuries along the way.
Firstly, there is the relatively minor sprained shoulder. Sprained shoulders aren't exactly fun, in fact, they're pretty dull. Just a lot of pain and a bit of swelling.
Then, there's the Septic Finger. This delightful malady seems to be the result of a failed escape attempt by my fingernail, and the subsequant infiltration of the wound by sea filth, or petrol. It hurts quite a lot, and it's not exactly nice to look at, either^^
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June 30th, 2004
09:38 pm - Things and stuff...
The word on the street is that my flat will be ready on Saturday. I'm already packed, and with the obvious exception of the lack of furniture, I'm ready to move in. In fact, I've been packed for about three months, with only a pile of books and an open suitcase of clothes to attest to me having a life outside a cardboard box.
There is a slight problem that my B&B room is booked out from tomorrow night until Sunday, so I'm having to move into another B&B for a few nights. So that's going to be at least five moves in under half a year.
I swear that I'm never going to be able to feel settled in this new flat. No matter how long it is I live there, I'll still feel like I'm moving.
Who knows, maybe I'll get a double bed for my birthday.
* * *
We, my partner and myself, went out on the boat today.
A nearly-20-year old Parkstone Bay cruiser, with a top speed of about 6-7 knots, although then the boat resembles the Bird of Prey in The Voyage Home, almost shaking itself to peices as the engine hits 2,500 RPM. IT's a perfect situation for a Chekov impression, though:
"Six-point-two knots... Six-point-three... Six-point... Four...."
It was altogether very pleasant, although getting stuck behind a rowing team on the way in wasn't ideal, although thank got the boat is made to run at low speeds. Oh, and the cable-laying ship that's moored in the harbour is very, very big, and about as scary.
Although not as scary as another boat is funny. It's a motor launch with ARMY painted on the side in red, the rest of it is painted camoflague-green, and the part that would hold tanks or trucks has an equally-green porta-cabin.
* * *
Between work, my partner, and moving house, it's safe to say that I'm not exactly going to have an overwhelming online presence. Unlike some people (Hi, Kara!).
So, my life will be filled with things like the Jadransko More, and the Hrvatska Republika (Adriatic Sea and Croatian Republic, respectively). Not to mention hugs and kisses, and my birthday in a few days time.
So, I'm not going to be here. When I'm back, I'll be in a new place, and will have put all this ridiculous crap with a former friend or two behind me.
Ta-ra, me ducks!
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June 23rd, 2004
09:12 pm - I have made a frightening observation...
It appears to me that chip shop curry sauce tastes nothing like curry, at all.
* * *
"The customer is always right" takes on an alarming new meaning when you work behind a bar.
Every, and I mean every person that comes up to the bar is a genius. Not only do they know how to do your job, but they also know how the troops should have been deployed in Iraq, and that's just for starters. I've even been told by one customer that I could never get a proper job behind a bar.
I've become quite a master at looking like I'm listening, but thinking about pixies, or cat-girls instead. It's actually something that comes with the territory, although thankfully I already had it to begin with. 18 months working on a checkout in a busy supermarket will do that to you... 1,000 people see only one checkout drone, but the drone see's 2,000 shoppers...
Anyway, I've found quite recently that I have a rather large weakness when it comes to people trying to prove me wrong, or at least intellectually inferior.
I have a feeling that this comes down, at least in part, to the insecurities of being TS. I am good at my job because of a similar reason, because I feel a lot like I have to prove that I am not any worse at what I do because of this position. It is not that I have that much of an ego, I don't think I'm superior to anyone, even if I am. I have no desire to be superior, although I have no desire to be inferior, either.
Hell, I dropped out of college twice, and it's taken me nearly four years to find a job that isn't an entirely dead-end one. I'm mentally ill, and I'm never going to be able to have children. It's not as if people need to try making me feel inferior.
As a result of this, and other things, I've been having a very low week. And funnily enough, my mind hasn't been "all there" for a lot of that time.
It's quite funny, really.
I have quite a hang-up on this. On a good day, I can be quite proud of my mind. But on a bad day, I end up questioning whether I'm really as clever as people lead me to believe, or are they just humouring me?
Right now, however, I have very little doubt. A week or so ago, I was able to advise the office on translations for German depth datums (not the sort of stuff you learn in school).
Today, I managed to fudge my way around explaining a simple problem that I had to demonstrate it. All it was, was a point being recognised as 280 degrees east, rather than 80 degrees west (they are the same place on the globe).
So, right now, I'm kind of stupid.
The worst thing about it is that I'm enjoying it. Ordinarily, I'm an almost obsessive-compulsive thinker. At the moment, my mind's resoundingly empty of the usual clutter.
I just wonder how long it'll last for...
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June 22nd, 2004
06:11 pm - That was unexpected...
It seems that my suspicions of yesterday are quite accurate, or this week should be established as a public holiday, called the Week of coincidence.
It really brings it home when someone who used to be friendly towards you starts treating you coldly when they find out you're TS.
Sure, it could be a coincidence, something else could have caused the cold front.
But to quote Garak:
"I believe in coincidence. Coincidences happen every day. But I don't trust coincidences."
Not that I ever expected it to be easy, but having the reality of how not-easy it's going to be dropped in your lap kind of sucks.
But then, when have I ever backed down from a challenge?
* * *
On a much more positive note, there is the coincidence of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) inariko.
I had been thinking of a name for the journal that is now called hanakumi, and the first name to come to mind was Inariko, which is the full name I finally decided on for my Pixie character, Ina.
So I looked up the name, and found it to be already taken, which was a bit of a blow, because I like that name. But then I looked at the user's info, and the the nmber of bold interests, meaning that they're shared with you. And I'm, like, "Oooh!"
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June 21st, 2004
08:23 pm - For better or for worse...
It seems that my secret is out in the open, so to speak. A pity.
I've been kind of low today, and I spent a lot of the day resting my head on my hand, or staring off into space. But when I realised that my ponytail can actually make leaning my head back quite comfy, which in turn makes waitng for searches to complete that bit nicer.
So, I'm lounging back in my chair, wondering whether the next chart will go to fudge with ER Mapper, when it occurs to me that gravity will be working to pull my shirt downwards, which is prevented by the contours of my body. The most prominent of which being the breasts I shouldn't really have. But I'm comfy, and I have a bad feeling about the next chart, so continue watching the world go by in my peripheral vision, and the flourescent tube canopy above my head.
A little later, I notice Zoey looking over in my direction, which isn't such a big thing. She sits in the corner of the office, and to see most of the office, she had to look past me. With my attention on my peripheral vision, I watch her stare at something, with more than just my paranoia suggesting it's me.
Eventually, she looks away, and I wait a few moments before I return attention to the computer in front of me, discovering that I was right about the chart being troublesome.
For the last few hours of the day, I notice what may, or may not be an increased number of looks in my direction from Zoey, but that could be paranoia.
At the end of the day, Zoey is one of the first to leave, stopping at Nichola's desk, seemingly urging her to leave the office with her. When I left a little later, I turned right (the direction Zoey never goes), and she's a little way away, walking slowly with Nichola (who doesn't do walking slow), talking about something with an energy that didn't exist earlier in the office.
I think I'm gossip.
Oh well.
* * *
I got a reply to one of my emails today, basically calling me a hypocrite, and blaming me for the lack of communication between us.
"When either of you start saying hello to me routinely, then you'll have a leg to stand on."
Obviously she's forgotten the many times when UO was more important than paying attention to anyone trying to talk to her. Pot and the kettle, methinks.
I think I'll stick with having no friends, rather than try pandering up to a_giant_bee, thank you very much.
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June 20th, 2004
06:47 pm - That feeling of impending doom...
I'm give it about two months, tops, before the fire comes down.
Although I have an awful feeling that it's going happen a long time before that, like, two weeks.
There is no happy family in my life.
I remember a time when there used to be. When my mother was a happy wife, my father went out to earn our keep. My sister was the rebelious one, and I was the quiet one.
At least I'm consistant. Despite discovering that I'm transsexual, and undeniably homosexual, I'm still the quiet one.
Everything else has gone to hell, though. There is a huge,seemingly unsresolvable, disagreement between my sister's partner and my father (they're both being so manly about it, it's almost funny, almost).
What has transpired from this disagreement is a microcosm of the Cold War, with each side trying to gain the upper hand and to get the other to back down without comminting to anything.
It all began the night we had a break-in. A confrontation of heated emotion and chest-thumping.
Personally, I couldn't care less. Did either of them give a damn that I didn't sleep well for a week afterwards, or that, when going down to make my mother a cup of tea in the morning, I'd end up trapped in the kitchen through fear of the noises from the cellar. Noises that had always been there; the cooler, the gas regulators, the ice machine. I'd just never heard them before.
They've both been so stubbourn about it, for so long, that it's become like a cancer in the family.
Everyone else is reaching the end of their tethers, and it's only a matter of time before one of them snaps. That's without taking into account outside influences, such as my grandmother beleiving that my sister's partner is the spawn of Satan, because she's only heard my father's side of the story.
I have made my mother promise that when things come to a head, she will phone me. Regardless of whether I'm sleeping, or at work, and I will be there.
My transsexuality is like the mother of all trump cards. Some people use such a card for their own benefit, like screaming discrimination or harassment when things don't go their way. But I'm much too honourable to do that, and much too manipulative.
I have never really shown any backbone in the time I've been here; I would much rather remain quiet and stay out of the way. But when the time comes, I will take on all sides.
There are things like the need for a stable home environment, and preferably, a solid family to fall back on if I need. Which I can play to make them feel bad, which they should, although not for my sake. Through the course of this conflict, my mother and sister have been stuck in the middle, my mother for the most part, and she's the person who keeps this place afloat. But that argument isn't going to hold water, it hasn't in the past, but I have a very unstated case.
Then there's the real master-stroke, that I can just walk out, and in that instant, the pair of them have broken the family apart.
I really don't have anything to lose, which means that I literaly can't lose. At worst, hostilities with be restrained for a time, which at least gives an oppurtunity for minds that haven't walked out to patch things up. At best, it'll all be good.
* * *
I went to MVC today to see what was going on in the way of special offers. Little thing I've been trying to avoid is father's day, thanks to the above, but others within the family are trying to keep the old man sweet. No doubt trying to delay the inevitable.
I may sound a little militant abut my family, but I realised a long time ago that they don't care. Sure, they'd probably cry if I got brutally murdered by some crazed bigot, but it often takes something tragic for people to realise their shortcomings in matters. That excludes my mother, since she does actually care, and we kind of look out for each other.
But anyway, I had a scoot around the anime section, and saw that the final volume of Noir is out. Unfortunately, I think there's only two episodes on the DVD, and I can't justify spending £18.99 on about 50 minutes of animation, no matter how good.
Although I did pick up Hook and A Knight's Tale for my father, finishing the "3 for £15" trilogy with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Then, at the checkout, after being pipped to only open till by a trio of über-pensioners, I grabbed Commando for £5.
With £2.50 off, as a reward for spending £100 previously (it's about the fifth I've had since they rehashed the MVC cards), these four films came to a whopping £17.50.
* * *
I've just received an email from TNUK with the subject "How many mental illnesses are there?"
For those that want to see the complete list of recognised mental ilnnesses:
( Check this out )
* * *
On a slightly more creative note, I'm planning to progress with my idea of creating a complete fantasy world, with mostly unique creatures and races.
The main reason is so that I have a world to write in without stepping on anyone's toes, and to give me something to concentrate on that won't cost me a lot of money.
So, following the lead of the creator of ragnablog, I'm going to create another journal to use for my ideas and thoughts.
I will supply the URL when I can find a name that isn't taken.
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02:41 pm - Feeling low...
Maybe I'll say more later, but for now I have to go brush my hair and goe to Wilkinsons.
Or maybe I'll just tie it back and go...
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June 18th, 2004
09:30 pm - I miss you!
The mass-stalker strikes again!
There is a couple who visit Weymouth once a year, and stay in a local guesthouse for two weeks.
The husband is about as rude as a person can be without putting any concious effort in, and the wife collects names and addresses of people she meets, and writes to them throughout the year.
I am, of course, instantly recognised by her, being the pseudo-son of the landlady of the pub she visits regularly on her holidays. So I am instantly greeted with an energetically extended hand (that alone scares the stuffing out of me, because I've seen the Type Zero's offensive weapon in Patlabor), and the declaration that "I miss you" often followed by "Where've you been?"
Like I haven't explained countless times that I have a job.
So far, I have avoided giving her my address through a combination of falling under the blanket classification of the pub, and actually not having one (I'm keeping the latter in reserve).
* * *
I logged into UO today, for all of about two minutes. I can's say that I particularly miss the game, although I could see myself getting back into it at some point.
Unfortunately, I've seen too many lives ruined, both directly and indirectly, by the large roleplaying groups such as CoRE ERPA and COY. Not to mention by addiction to the game itself.
I just figure it might be nice to go out and splatter things with my partner.
* * *
Today was a day of many emails.
I received a reply to the email I sent yesterday, and replied during my lunch break. I had to clarify a few misconceived ideas, like how I'm the sole party to blame for the renewal of our friendship not seeming likely, for example.
I sent an email to someone who upset my partner, telling them in no uncertain terms at they shouldn't use her to make them feel liked, because my partner's a good girl and a good friend, and such people are hard to come by. Also, I won't stand for it.
I have also sent a few to TS-UK, regarding Big Brother, and Bilateral Orchidectomies.
* * *
It is quite funny how supposedly supportive and welcoming communities can be so incredibly insular.
Ok, so it's not funny at all.
I know it happens in communities everywhere, but right now, I'm going to use TS-UK as an example. Largely because it's a good example, not to mention a group that attracts people who often need a little (or a lot of) attention.
Even though I am not exactly a new member; I have only been away from the list for a few months, I feel as though I have become largely invisible. Posts by me with fair points seem not to even be read, while inane points made by regular posters continue for hours.
Although it is not nice to feel ignored, I am used to it, and I can deal with it. But I worry that if someone who genuinely needs attention comes to the list, they will be similarly ignored because what they say isn't "fun", and the world will be less one transsexual.
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